Well done

Have we come to the end of a story, where tears fall and we cry for the lost?

I take a step back and I survey the land I look to my family and I say, this is not so.

When one life passes it is not a loss, when their hearts are with the Almighty it is a gain.

My heart is sad, yes for the smile that is not here, but what a selfish thought for just me.

So many stories of family I have heard from her, of every kind, over and over.

Now it is my time to add to these stories of my family and ours.

But don't be surprised if you come to visit that rocks may  have found their way inside our home.

Grandma, nay, this whole family has a slight obsession with rocks I believe.

But honestly, this does not surprise me. For Christ was the solid rock on which she stood, all other ground was sinking sand.

He was the Rock of Ages a cleft for her, and she would often hide herself in Him. And as it turns out, she also hid rocks inside the house.

She saw God in His own creation, she saw Jesus in others. She loved and she laughed, she was silly and talented, all of this and so much more. To me, she was the complete package. I desire to be half the woman she was. What a model for my children, what a legacy to carry on.

For a weary soul who has yearned for her Father for a warrior who's battle has been won, I say to you  Grandma, well done.

Matthew 25:21New King James Version (NKJV)

21 His lord said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant; you were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.’

treasures

She opened the door slowly, the one that she had gone through probably hundreds of times in the course of her childhood. The familiar smells lingered in the air at the old farm house; the grass, the dirt road, mesquite trees and the wind blowing the warm Texas sun. At night you could stare at the sky and imagine you were there among them. If she closed her eyes she whisked herself back to her childhood visits with her Grandparents. To the times when the house was full of visiting family chatting about their travels and the latest news while the kids explored the wild outdoors that awaited them.   It was the kind of place where you felt like you had been taken to another time and place.

She blinked and realized that so many years had passed through her fingers, like sand. But unlike sand that is so small and fleeting and leaves you with an empty hand, the years that had passed had left her with treasures. Just like treasures they were hidden, and needed to be sought out. There was plenty of sadness through the years to be had as well. There were friends that had come and gone and many a dear family member that had passed, but there was gain if she chose to look for and pursue it.

Standing in the open living room that had been lovingly and creatively designed by her Grandparents, she thought about all the places they had traveled to. The pictures on the walls were like time capsules, waiting to be opened. She had heard stories of Scotland, Hawaii, Guam and adventures on ships and some from the farm. It had been a few years since her Grandpa had passed and the shadow of her Grandma was like a delicate lace, needing to be care for ever so gently.  Stories lingered in the hallway, along the walls, in the rafters and in each corner of the old house waiting to be sought out. The memories, the life of the house was there wanting to be lived over again.

She has warmed the house now, with her own family while she cares for her Grandmother. The stories have begun again and are being reborn. Like a web being tacked to the rafters and catching those who pass by. There are new memories being made and set in motion. Like a sunrise and a sunset at the same time. There are so many memories to be shared and made in the old farm house. She had reflected in a moment what had taken a lifetime to learn, how much family truly needs one another. That God had created us for each other. She needed to carry the heritage of the family like a treasure and share it with her own.

It is right to let the sun set but it is even more important to rise with the dawn of a new day and to take in all the treasures that are awaiting you that day.  To find the treasures in life is a gift that we should all seek out through our heritage, through our family. And if this is something that seems out of your reach,, then make a choice to spin your own memories, with your own family. Heritage, memories, families are treasures. If life is sifting through your fingers, make sure you don’t let the treasures slip away.

windows

If only I could see what you see and understand..
to give you back for a moment what was lost...
nay..taken from you.

If I could paint a picture for you
or play a tune that would bring it all back for you,
I would..over and over.

Your eyes, those tiny windows
I pray they not close before it is their time
to see all they are meant to see,
And be seen by.

His grace and mercy are your comfort
and blanket you.
His peace surrounds you
and it never leaves you.

May I strive to be the woman you are,
strong in spirit..
although now..weak in an earthly vesel.

quiet

Such a quiet face
A smile hidden just beneath the surface

Bright eyes that laugh
but just a little

Words that float into the air
but fall to the ground

Laughter ebbs and flows when it wills
Tired eyes play the game of hide and seek

Things lost

She quietly and slowly shuffles to the living room...

her great grandaughter notices her and desires to help out
and asks what she needs...

and in a raspy voice Great-Grandma replies
"I am looking for my voice"

The Journey

The night is young and the house is quiet
She lay in her bed asleep

Does she know the day, the hour, the season

The minutes and days
they all become one

It is a journey that's been prolonged and the end is never warned

She continues forward the best she can as the past becomes her today

If only there was a map, we could set a course

Then maybe the waters would not be so rocky

But since this is not the case...I will walk the journey with her.

Lord, help me not become weary

And when I am..help me rely on You

Dusk

Whispers of prayers are spoken in the night
from inside the heart
Where and when no one hears

There are no tears
Only an island, a ship on the open ocean
a solitary bird floating on the wind

Who knows the pain
shares the grief

Is it spoken
Is it held inside

It is not like a flower that grows
But a weariness that lurks on the doorstep
keeping your senses alive in the dark

This House

Somewhere within these walls are locked
The beautiful highs and lows of a worn violin

In these walls are the whispered prayers
for many come and gone

On these floors have fallen many tears
for pains unspoken
for yearning prayers

In the air is the laughter of lovers
sharing decades of stories filled with joy,
pains...some well know
some locked away in the heart



In this ground was planted many seed
tilled many hours
grown through much love



Through this house has past much love
In this house love still grows



Tears still fall

Pains still groan

Ground still moved

Secrets still held

and best

laughter still rises

quality

I wish I could paint a picture for you
make a movie
write abook

Put it all down so
you could take it all back in
live it again

I wish I could find all the puzzle pieces
I wish I knew what the picture it is you are seeing

Really, it is not the quantity
It's the quality

The moments with you are not so vast
but they are quality

I will try and remember that
and to tell my children

purple is green

Purple is green
in my world of red

Where grief is always good
just like I said

Then you took from me,
What I was not done with

You sat it down and said "Why don't you eat a bit?"
Well, which is it?

water is candy and sweet to the tongue
milk is my tea
and juice makes me smile

But please be careful with the fan
or I shall burn till I freeze

What was your name?
Cali, Sally..oh..Kelly
I have known you a long time haven't I?
Thirty-seven years, I thought so
I love you too

my words

Can you catch the word in front of me...can you not see it there?
The letters hang on my hair, my tongue...like a cloud they float around and taunt me like a child.

They surround me like a shroud...sometimes too tight...sometimes too loose, like a cut strand of pearls...falling one by one.....

The words fight me like an enemy and hang on me like a child drowning....simultaneously.

Can you help me?
Can you raise my words from the dead,
can you bring life to them with your pen?

Your glasses

If only I could wear your glasses..I would see the world as you do.
I would understand why you say and do the things you do.

Why you look at me with lost eyes, eyes that are searching me as if you want me to say the words.
Why you struggle and stummble over your words while I nod my head like I understand clearly.

Why sometime you go to bed with your shoes on and not under the sheets, just the top blanket.
Sometimes the dog is a cat and the kids are critters.
One day you miss Grandpa and yet another you mention thee men you married and they are gone now.

What stories weave in your mind? They change from moment to moment as the pages move.
What will catch you attention today? What will frustrate you and be difficult to explain?
I try and remember to borrow your glasses and see your world as you do...but sometimes they too are lost.
Will will need to try and have patience with one another. I will try and have enough patience for the both of us.

I am your Granddaughter

I know that my face may not be as familiar as it was yesterday
and your bed may be foreign to you as well
But I will make sure that you have what you need when you need it
At least I will do my best
I know I cannot ask you to be patient with me..
I will just have to tell myself to try and have more patience
We are both far from perfect but we are family whether you remember or not..but that’s ok
I love you regardless and will be here for you as long as I possibly can
Who am I you ask?
I am the one who tucks you in at night
The one who helps you change
I am the one who gets you tissue when you seem to need it
I am the one who watches out for you
It is not just me but my husband and your great grandkids…
We all watch over you and care for you…and we love you and laugh with you...just as you are
I have not always been here…but I am here now Grandma
Who am I?
I am your Granddaughter.
Your words echo in the walls of this old house Grandma…and I listen to them
They say to keep my eyes focused on our Provider…to not lose hope and sight of who He is
Your eyes and your body may be tired…but your spirit is strong.
Thank you for laying the foundation…
Even though now you look at me with questions in your eyes
I am your granddaughter.

All I need

A bit of sugar in my tea
keeps me sweet

Light by my bed at night
so I can read

A hug from time to time
tells me that you love me

A few words shared
encourages me

Simply smiling as you pass by
helps my heart feel free

it used to be

it used to be that grandma would close the long curtains once the sun went down over the hill

it used to be that grandma would wake up before the sun and make a cup of tea and start her day by praying for the ones she loves

it used to be that grandma loved to pick up her violin and play a sweet melody to match those of the birds

it used to be that grandma loved to paint and sketch the beauty she saw around her

it used to be that she could tell me the stories of all the wonderful places she's travelled with grandpa

it used to be...

it used to be..that she knew my name

it used to be..but not anymore..she has forgotten

but thats ok..because I have not..

she is still my grandma

Becky is coming!

This morning, in anticipation and excitement of her grandma (my mom), coming to visit, my five year old Beka tells her great-grandma that Becky is coming for a visit!

I find it amazing that even so young, she has learned to adapt how she communicates with her great-grandma. She hears me talk to her and about my mom and I will reference her by her first name because for me to just say 'my mom' would not be clear to her. So without me explaining that to the kids, they have done the same.

I have talked with the kids about their great-grandma and they understand her situation. They try as best as kids can to communicate with her. But I find myself in the background like a fly on the wall, ready to swoop down and interject at a moments notice.

But today...I sat back..amazed that my five year could communicate so clearly with her.

Team Work

A while ago my husband and Grandma had a conversation. Since my husband is hard of hearing and when he takes of his hearing aid...he hears nothing. And my grandma with her Alzheimers has a hard time remembering things or keeping her focus sometimes on what she was saying or doing.

So they came to an agreement...

she would be his ears and he could be her brain!

Sounds like good teamwork to me!

Ode to Grandma

Oh grandma how I love thee...
Let me count thy ways

Let me start witht the three times you have changed your clothes,
before lunch
And only one of them matched..
the one that I picked

The two times you asked me where your glasses are today
and the other five times you said you don't need them anymore

Then there are the ten books by your bed
And the eleven magazines by your chair
And three more books you are reading...but not now

The thirty minutes it takes you to eat half your plate,
boy you must be digesting well

All the pretty necklaces you love to wear,
although some around your neck
And maybe one ends up in your hair

The three times you must tinkle
before we are on our way out the door..sigh

So many stories you have told me from the past
And all of them I have heard at least five times,
I can fill in the blanks when you've lost the words

Oh grandma there are so many ways,
too numerous to share

What can I possibly learn from you?
Maybe to appreciate life day by day
and even minute by minute

And after counting how I love thee,
what does it add up to and what does it mean?

It means that I love you
and I know you need me

But more than that, I need you...
because with all your quirks grandma
you make me smile
and that is a very great thing

And I am not afraid anymore